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February 4, 2018

 

Here I am again. I’m a bit tired from working so hard in the week, I’ve been working 12 hour shifts at work and it’s been very long. I’ve tried not to let it become another excuse and for the most part it has. I started doing some exercises yesterday after work. I had promised myself gym time but I’m still not ready to go there by myself again. A lot in my brain keeps me from doing that. The only reason I even did anything yesterday was because I was having a black dog moment,  not quite call of the void but my brain was saying pretty nasty things to me. I moped in it for a little bit before changing the voice in my head, funnily enough I changed it to Sans from undertale. It helped. So, I got home with a little motivation, found a workout on pintrest that seemed a bit much but not too much, and did most of it. I got 100 star jacks (because I still can’t do jumping jacks) 100 squats and 30 crunches before my body freaked out on the crunches and my whole abdomen tightened up. Like I said it was a bit much but at least it was a start. I did another workout today and was able to complete it. I found a way to have some fun too, my boys have a collection of swords so I picked on up and did some lunges with it. It felt so good to have the weight of the weapon in my hand as I was moving my legs. Nothing too fancy just lunges. I feel like I’ve done enough for today though, and should plan to do something tomorrow. Not something big, just something that I can do and it feels alright to do.

 

I’ve lost some weight, I’m down from 300 to 283 as of this morning. I know I’m going to get back into the habit of weighing myself everyday. Fitness pal likes to remind me too often to step on the scale and I oblige. I don’t really feel any different, it’s all still a lump on me, a slightly more squishy lump but a lump nonetheless (wow did not know that was one word).  Facebook had a memories post for me that reminded me that not too long ago (about 3 or 4 years) I was down at 230 complaining about how I needed to lose more weight. One day I will be at 230 again, if my math is right and I can somehow pull off losing 15 lbs a month then I should hit 230 by april or may. Oh shit it’s snowing outside. I better hurry this up before I need to go out shopping for dinner tonight. I don’t know what I’m making yet but I should make something good for the boys and I to eat. Something healthy at the very least. Any way, I’m tired but motivated. My coworker, Tami, gave me some jeans the other day. Three pairs and the two skinny jeans fit me but the straight leg does not. I suspect this is because the skinny jeans have some spandex in them, but it’s only about 1%. Anyhow, If I remember I’ll write again soon, this is the first chance I’ve had in a while to sit down and collect my thoughts about stuff so Maybe I can get another chance next sunday when things have calmed down again. Hopefully I don’t wait until that  long to work out again though, I need to keep that up at least three days or so out of the week.

 

Til Tomorrow.

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Well, all ready this plan is falling apart. I haven’t exercised since yesterday morning. I wanted to but I was tired getting home from work. I work 10 hour shifts in a factory, my legs and feet were aching since we have concrete floors. I need better shoes. I felt so tired that I fell asleep around 5 pm, way earlier than my usual. Slept all the way to three am with a few wake ups, mostly from dreams of being late to work. The thing is I am eating within my 1,900 calories which is good, but I’m not working out. I know my excuse this time is that I have a convention coming up that I usually spend so much time walking around and dancing and eating small amounts of food that I won’t have to worry about it. Most of the time I lose weight at conventions because I’m so focused on other things besides food. I’ve been planning ahead too, I know there is a gym at the hotel I’m staying at so I can get some weights in while I’m there and all that walking and dancing will be my cardio. That’s what I keep telling myself anyhow.

 

I keep weighing myself. I remember getting super obsessed with my weight back when I was about 25, every day I weighed in. If it was up I wouldn’t eat that day. If it was down I ate. I had a whole month where I ate nothing but sweet tea and carrots. I know that is not a good way to live at all but I wanted it so bad. I wanted to be thin and skinny and smooth like other people expected me to be. Now though I want to look like I can kick your ass, I can’t look like that if I don’t work out but it’s a tough plan when you are in pain all the time. I wish I could do more cardio but just that wears me out too fast and my lungs give up the ghost before I can even work up a sweat. I just have to keep reminding myself that it won’t be this bad forever. I’ve lost some weight before I can do it again.

 

My sisters and I are in a bit of a competition. I’m not winning but I’m not losing either. I was a bit angry with myself because I had gotten down to 286 just before christmas, but because of my greed and what happens after, I gained back what I lost. I hate this. I hate all of this. I hate that I can’t eat what I want when I want and I hate that I can’t not eat when I don’t want to. I don’t know how those inspirational people do it. Those people who are just ‘I had a spark’ ‘I had the motivation’ ‘I did it! You can do it too!” I can’t stand them. They have the time, the money, the lack of mental setback that I have. I bet they don’t have to argue with themselves about getting out of bed in the morning let alone trying to move and get into a shape. I’m already feeling tired and annoyed and fed up with this adventure and it’s only 3 days into it. This happens every time and I can only hope that after my convention I’ll be a bit better because I won’t have that as a major excuse. I know better but one can always hope right?

 

Till Tomorrow.

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It was christmas. I thought I could have a cheat day. I thought I had come far enough that my body wouldn’t do what it had been doing, but as my stomach heaved up the nothing that was left I was left with a major choice. Now, I’m 31. Just barely touching 300 lbs (as of this writing I’m only 294) and that december night left me with a visual reminder that everything I was doing was wrong. I thought it was just the blood specks across my cheeks that would be the only mark, I was relieved when they didn’t become bruises. My eyes. They had blood in them. It was a major shock to say the least. Part of me thought it looked a bit bad ass, as the blood pooled next to my cornea. The thought was soon smothered with why my eyes looked this way. I had heaved. I had heaved and coughed and cried because it took 20 minutes of that kind of sickness before anything had come up. My ribs still ached a little from that night, and nothing seemed wrong. It was the usual eat too much, feel a bit full but not overly so, lay down for the night to sleep then suddenly: Need To Vomit. Usually I can swallow it down, even before this mess I hate throwing up. This time though My body wanted it all out. Now I know you are screaming for me to go see a doctor, and I will in due time. I just can’t right now because I do not have the time or money which is the normal calling card of a person of my age. I’ve been working hard for the last few months though, I’ve been changing what I’ve been doing so I can become a healthy person. This is a part of that. I want to write down and share with you what is going on with me, then that might help what is  going on with you. I will warn you now though, there is no filter, this will be my life put up on display and that’s okay. I can talk it out with anyone later, I just need to get this all out somewhere.

I never really had a fear of falling asleep until now. Now I’m afraid that as soon as I get to REM then I won’t have control over what is being digested and my body will want to reject what I’ve eaten. I can’t think of a way to describe that kind of anxiety. Just that it wasn’t a fear before, now it is and even my boyfriends are worried for me. I feel bad when I wake Jackals up because I’m going to the bathroom for a wee and he thinks I’m going to barf again. I hate living in a sort of fear where I can’t even trust what I’ve eaten. Though I’ve narrowed down my triggers to fast food, greasy food, and fried foods. I’m also poor and those are much more a staple to my diet then fresh food and veggies. I’ve been enjoying a lot of chicken lately too. There are some weeks that I do very well with food and other weeks where I’m up all night because I know I can’t fall asleep because once I do I’m going to have my Blood Eyes again.

 

I told Jackals it wasn’t fair. Other people can eat and eat and just balloon up to like 600 lbs.

He asked me if I wanted to be 600lbs.

I said no…I just want to be able to eat what I want.

But if wanting to eat what I want means I will one day be 600 lbs maybe it’s a good thing that my body is rejecting what I am eating. I’m just tired of the whole thing, and I know it’s going to take a lot of work, but I can do it. I must do it.

 

Till Tomorrow.

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I was going to write a story, something to get the everything working and get something posted because it’s been so long since I’ve posted anything on here. I just couldn’t think of any thing. My head is so wrapped up between The Bitter Follower (it’s changed so much since I posted it on here) and The Keeper series (yeah already have the next books planned) that I just don’t have any thing left other then little silly story about trolls. I just want to write so bad and get it out of my system and get to an end, I’ve only ever finished a story once, and that was a fan fiction!

I’m almost 30. I want something in my life to have ment something. I want to throw out something that appys to me, even if it gets lost to the tides of history I want something that is like ‘She wrote this, these are her words’

I made myself cry with those words though. It is no surprised that my one charritor, David Rose, is based off my friend Justin. I took it deeper then that and honestly I don’t know how some people are going to take it. On youtube there is a vidieo from one of his live streams where he gives a heartfelt speach, it’s not even a full two mins long. I wrote it out, almost word for word, in my story. I had to keep pausing the vidieo, keep pausing the man that I miss so much. Its hard to decribe, almost like a form of love. Yeah, it’s weird now cus I know he had a wife and he’s kinda dead but I would say that I loved him. Maybe that’s a good thing though, it cured my obsession over people that I grow interested in.

I’ve been ok. Not good, not bad, just ok. Nothing really is getting me down anymore but nothing is sending me over the moon so to speak. I am finally on even footing, with only my weight being a problem now. I pour myself into my stories. Every line is me, Every line speaks to me and has known me all my life. I pour my tears into my books. I want you to taste how bitter it is.

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It is normal to have thoughts and ideas that seem a bit odd and frightening. It is normal not to act on them. So thus, in my own mind, I’m a sociopath. There are often times that I think of horrible things and events, but that’s normal. Why is that? I could be going along, minding my own mind, when suddenly from almost nowhere I get the thought of “The uni-OMG I LEFT THE EGGS ON.

This is not a random thought, I was going to go on about just random bullshit but, you guys, I legit just had to run and try to save my boiled eggs because I forgot about them. I’ve been working on lists and micromanaging my calender on the computer, but I forgot my eggs. My roommate just asked me why I had eggs in a empty pan, IT’S BECAUSE I LET THE WATER BOIL AWAY. I remembered to feed my fish today, been super productive and getting my shit done but I forgot about my boiled eggs.

Well I guess I’ll go back to my random thoughts about the universe now, sorry that my brain glitched yet again. I can’t believe myself. Truly.

Well tomorrow is Valentines day. I don’t really mind either way about it, I’ve had good years and bad years. I used to be whole downheartedly against it when I was younger but now I just don’t care either way. I been starting to call it ‘female Halloween’ Think about it. Women usually get dressed up in slutty outfits and get candy from men. It works in my glitch mind.

I want to keep working on my story and get to work on some kitting and crochet projects. I have a whole bin filled with yarn that I try to keep at bay by buying more yarn. This practice has not worked, nor will it work. I’m very good at planning things, not so much with the doing and the following of the plan that I spend hours making. I make lists upon lists and yet never check a thing off. I don’t know why this is, just that it happens to me quite often, thus why I go months without blogging only to have one month where I blog every day. The same thing goes with trying to learn new skills on my own. I don’t have anyone to answer to, like when I was in high school, so I just kinda let it fall to the side. I’m good at making goals, not reaching them.

I think I lost my train of thought. Well, it helps to at least type out what is going on with me or my glitch brain. Who knows?

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It was my first one ever. Yeah, I’ve been scared before, and yes I’ve felt anxiety over a situation but this was the first time, The Very FIRST Time, those two things hit together so hard it made me want to break down crying and just stop whatever I was doing.

But I wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary, thus why I know this was a for realize, omg, please someone make it stop, oh god why is this happening to me panic attack.

It starts simple enough, I haven’t been eating properly because for the last four months I’ve had other stuff to take up my attention. My daughters Birthday, Christmas, New Years, and MAGFest. Usually this is fine, it’s been fine for the last two years since I’ve moved back home. This time though I haven’t been grocery shopping in the last four months. I ate at my inlaws place in cali and at some restaurants in Nat Harbor. When I was home I either ordered out or ran over to CVS.

That’s right folks, I had a panic attack because I forgot how to shop for food.

I’m an adult alright?

It started out simple enough, well simple laziness. I usually don’t shop any later then 10 am because I hate people, I hate having to be polite and move out of other peoples way especially when in a store and a little old lady has to park her cart in the middle of the isle. So I got there about ten cus I was feeling lazy. I didn’t have a list, I had an Idea of what I wanted to buy, some yogurt, some soup and dinner stuff. Also Lasagna which should be said how it’s spelled. So I get to the dairy isle and get my yogurt. Then it clicks. My brain glitches. I have no clue how to grocery shop.

I don’t know how this thought process came to be honestly. I always did the shopping when I was married, I’ve done shopping for myself since I’ve moved out, I pay my bills, take care of my car, I can Do Adult Stuff. Just I had a brain glitch and suddenly I was unable to even comprehend taking stuff off the shelves, putting them in my cart, taking them to the cashier, and then taking them home to be consumed later. It blew my mind, and, like most things that I don’t like thinking about, it scared the shit out of me. What if I didn’t like what I bought? What if I spent too much money? What if people don’t like what I am buying? Brain glitch, and my legs became jelly. I was shaking, this was true terror. Not like waiting for the boyfriend to confess his feelings terror, or walking through a haunted house terror, this was “I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION HERE.” terror.

So this is how I got a pound of Fear Ham.

I was walking by the deli in my state of panic, staring at the meat and cheese, not thinking because the only thing on my mind was how much I didn’t want to be there. “Can I help you?” asked the deli lady. I swear she could have asked anything and I don’t know how I would have responded. “Uhhh Uhhh, I’m sorry, a pound of….ham?” I answered. She nodded and got the ham to slice. So now I have to stand there and wait for my pound of ham, people must have thought I was on drugs or something, I was about to collapse in fear. “Is this a good thickness?” she asked, holding out a slice for me to look at. “Uhh I’m sorry, yes.” I don’t know why but when I panic I try to make myself look smaller, that includes my normally boisterous voice, I waited with jelly legs as she got my ham and I left. So that’s how I got a pound of Fear Ham.

Why did this happen? More importantly, why did this happen to me? For the life of me I have no clue. Like I said, I have a good chunk of time under my belt with shopping, I didn’t even do that thing where you see something that you shouldn’t get but you get it any way because you saw it. I just hope that next time I will be able to handle myself and get through it without all the fear I had this last trip. This is a new level of brain glitch that, up until this point, I’ve never had to deal with before. The best thing to do though, for me at least, is to laugh about it and move on. I mean, I didn’t even get any bread for the Fear Ham.

It

It

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I’ve been wondering this for a while, as The Bitter Follower winds down (not that you’ll see that I’m going to do a updated version after it’s done, maybe.) I get to the point where I wonder, what will happen next? I know I want to be in print, I want to physically hold something I wrote, something I made. I look forward to handing the copies to more then a few people (mostly my mom cus she’s gonna be funny with it) but what will happen after that? I like pretending (yes I still pretend, I am a writer after all) so I like to pretend that a good friend of mine is interviewing me after he reads the book. What the plot was about, what the story is about, It helps me to figure out what it was. The Bitter Follower is a drama that touches on the points of Depression, Friendship, and Family. I worry sometimes that the main character (it took me 20 years to learn how to spell that word, for reals.) is just a sexy lamp, she even addresses that worry herself in the story, but she’s not? I don’t know, If other people read it and claim that she is then I would have to say that she is a very depressed sexy lamp. like one that only gets turned on for the holidays or something. oh dear, a sexy Christmas light? the reason she is depressed is because she doesn’t work when one of her bulbs is burnt out and it’s going to take about 200 pages before someone finds the bulb. My mind works in funny ways, I think of funny things, that’s a side effect of depression (yes, I’ve been reading John Green and I like to say that sometimes blank is a side effect of blank) Everything is a side effect of depression though. I’m finding more and more of my entertainers, be it podcast or youtube or whatever, have some form of depression. Entertaining others is a side effect of depression. It pools into your creative juices so you are able to express yourself in such a way that people pay attetion to you just a little bit more so you don’t bite it. I really need to stop reading John Green, You emulate the people you admire but that is called uh that word for copying someone but in a literary way. Not Copyright….I can’t remember. Paraphrasing? No you get points for that if you sight your sources. Man, this is going to bother me all day. I don’t know who reads this, I don’t know why you read my random ramblings. I just hope that it gives you some sort of entertainment to listen to a almost-thirty-woman (noooooooooooooo) talk about almost-thirty-problems.

So about lets say late summer I found this lump on the back of my neck. Spoiler it’s not cancer but at the time I panicked and thought it was cancer. I worried myself sick. Now I don’t go to the doctor though I rightfully should, I never liked having a person look at you and say what you already knew. “Yep, your sick, take these pills and give me $40.” never sat right with me. I was to the point that I almost called the doctor and was like “I’ll give you $40, just tell me it’s not cancer.” well it’s not, it’s one of those gross zit things that people get and post onto the internet as quick videos showing them popping them. So I have this gross zit thing on the back of my neck that I should really go see if the doctor can remove or something cus who knows it might be cancer. I still remember crying till my chest hurt because I thought of all the people I would have to tell, how many people would just be devastated that I was sick. The ones that hurt the most though was thinking of telling my mom and my daughter. Just, you can’t tell someone that brought you into this world that you were going to die. The same thing goes for my daughter, how could I possibly tell her that I would die? It makes me think back to when I did die, when I was so alone and lost that I thought no one would miss me. I think now, why in the world did I believe that? I know so many people now that say that they couldn’t imagine me dead. I know so many people who have said I’m a wonderful person (Or as my friend Mike ‘The Birdman’ Dodd puts it ‘Fucking Sickass Motherfucker’) I couldn’t leave them now. We touch so many lives that we are not aware of, or even that we are aware of. So to bring this all back to the title, What will happen next Depends on us.

PS: Quick google search, the word I was looking for was Plagiarism.

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I once had an entire world in my head. It started when I was 15, a lot of stuff happened when I was 15. I needed someone who also had a lot of stuff happen to them. So I was in class and they gave us a project, make a story about a person who would have interacted with the gods (Greek or roman I forget which) So I made up this girl named Sage McEvil. She was strong, so very strong, and a bad ass mother fucker (this was because she smoked cigarettes at 15) She had gone to the gods to do something with her shadow and pissed them off somehow, I don’t remember how. This was so very long ago and I no longer have any of their stories. The only story I kept was the princes’ story Which you all know now as The Bitter Follower. Anyway Sage needed to grow up for some reason (mostly because I needed an adult) And I aged her to what I thought I would act like at 32. From what I remember she was a mix of an assassin and a grouchy detective. She had one leg, the other one taken by her evil twin sister Sara McGood (see what I did there? cut me some slack I was 15.) Sage was the first original character that I put into sailor moon fanfiction and hoo boy was it bad. She had everything, cat eyes, magic powers, a story arch changing her to good. That was before I aged her though. She was alright, she was who I went to for my action scenes (BAMF remember?) She even had a tragic love story. She had aged but her true love (James I think his name was, he was a assassin monk, so also a BAMF) had stayed the same age. There was quite a little fuss at the, oh it was a cabin out by a lake in the middle of my mind, I forget what I called it. The people who lived there were called my mindspawn. Sage and James, Ari and oh man what was his name? He was one of my bad guys who became a good guy I’ll remember later. Eve no she had the bad guy who turned good, I don’t think I made up a guy for Ari. Saki! I miss Saki, he was a good guy, stuck in a house full of women that I couldn’t decide if they treated him like a brother, son, or love interest. (this mostly happened when I started getting into Anime) Eve wasn’t my mindspawn, I adopted her from my older sister’s story she was writing at the time. There was Imm and Mmi, a tragic story of a girl possesd by a demon who lived in her shadow. The demon slowly grew to love her though, like I said 15 and anime. Ugh, it’s really bothering me that I can’t remember that guys name! He lived a while in the black mountains with Sara, I want to say it was another J name but I doubt it. Sage, Ari, Imm, Eve, and Saki were mine. I had so many stories with them, mostly so I could figure out what was going on in my life, to have some control over things. Was it Justin? It might have been Justin, like I said I really don’t remember and when I left my ex husband I threw out almost everything. I had them all since middleschool and throughout highschool. I remember Sage most of all because she was my first, and its weird to think of her now because I don’t think I’m becoming that grumpy detective type like she was. Well, that was a quick recall of some of my mindspawn. I used to sit for hours in their world, which is my mind, I can still see the cabin from the hill that I have now. I remember how it got to the point of children’s children, how crazy it got when I broke the fourth wall and became like a god, and how there was a whole world that I fucked up by existing. it was fun I might go back and rewrite some of those stories again (with some adjustments, I’m not 15 anymore) just for practice. Should be fun.

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Hello all! I just got back from MAGFest 2015.  As you may or may not know this convention (that I call it, it’s really a festival) is my new year event! I love it. There are very few things that can make it less then super awesome. When I die (in about 54 years) My heaven is MAGFest, but onto a quick look at some of the things there this year.

First off I only went to stuff that I wanted to see, I’m not really into the loud music people (though I feel bad for missing Powerglove this year) and Jontron fans scare the crap out of me. That was about 90% of the fest this year so much of my time was spent hanging out with my little sister just walking around. That is the best part of MAGFest though, well it’s how I lost about ten pounds at least. Nando’s is always a must eat place though we tried the Italian place this time too (we affectionately called it the ‘Fat-man’s place” for the statue of a naked fat guy sitting on a turtle.) But onto the things that I did see!

First thing we saw was on Friday The Super Smash Opera. It was fantastic! My little sister, who doesn’t really play video games, was able to get invested into the story with the songs and the acting. Some dark humor as Luigi is tired of Mario always having the lime light (supporting the ‘Mario is a psychopathy Game Therory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WMSQNVhMqA), Zelda becoming tired of being treated as a weak princess, and the death of Jigglypuff. Most of the songs were parody Gilbert and Sullivan, which of course hyped me up! A definite must see for next MAGFest. https://supersmashopera.wordpress.com/

Next were the Triforce Quartet, who played all weekend out by the gazebo in the Gaylord hotel. I had a room there this year so I got to hear them ever day! Their performance proper would have been a sold out concert. There was a line from one end of the hotel to the other end (about a block? I don’t know) The Quartet are always entertaining with the classical twist on video game music. My personal favorite is the Zelda Medley which features the Song Of Storms my favorite Zelda song. Always good to have so many people still interested in the classical side of music and not always the bit tunes and wub wubs that seemed to dominate this year. Everyone was pissed off when they shut off the Quartet’s mikes so that stage one could start warming up. https://www.facebook.com/TriforceQuartet

Had a quick break in order to see more then a few friends! I’m always super happy to see them and I’m always looking forward to make new ones. I think next year I’ll just write my twitter handle on my chest and see how many followers I get!

The last event on Friday was the Farewell, FamiKamen Rider. I have written several times about my friend Justin Carmical who tragically passed a year ago from suicide. This movie was the hard work of Marzgirl and her crew (I’m sorry I don’t remember everyone’s name but they all gave fantastic hugs) The movie itself, though still in it’s rough and mostly unedited form, was just what we needed at MAGFest. Everyone was soul puking (crying) Afterward we got to stand and talk a little about what he meant to us. I was about the third person who went up and my legs were shaking as the first words out of my mouth were “Hi, my name is Krista. On November 16, 2011 I killed myself.” It was a bonding experience for all of us, it was us getting the chance to say goodbye, and we all needed that. http://marzgurl.tumblr.com/

We stayed up to three and slept in till the early afternoon, but that’s just how these things go.

The next day I skipped all of my events in the afternoon, Saturday was corset day for my little sister and I so it was hard to sit down for long periods of time, I do recommend you go to Super Art Fight one of these days though, they are awesome and funny. http://www.superartfight.com/

That night was Linkara’s Atop The Fourth Wall Live, which is always something I hit every year. It’s much like watching one of his shows but live! Though it was funny to watch the B-rolls for something that was being shot for Nash’s story line. Find them both on http://channelawesome.com/

Then Oh yes, there was a Costume roast, something I had been looking forward to all day! It was super fun to be roasted by the hosts, though I do regret not hitting on the Riddler more. A definite hit for next year as well!

Next day was Sunday and since we cut out early there really wasn’t that much to see, I got to meet a few of my youtube stars (https://www.facebook.com/TheCompletionist) I donated $100 to Childs Play, Helped the same set of blind men three times (one time stopping them from going down a broken escalator) Played board games, Video games, and live action Sims tower. MAGFest is my heaven and I will be the first to recommend it to everyone.

Till next year, me hearties, This is the MAGFest Pirate!

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It’s been a year now. We are getting closer and closer to the last event I saw you at. They moved it this year, so it falls on the anniversary of your death. I don’t know how to feel about that but what I do feel is sad. Every time I think about you I remember that you are not here anymore. I met you three times, and you still left such a positive impact on me that I’ve changed forever. I’m a bit nicer now, I work at projects that I never even dreamed I would, and I reach out to people who are like you and I. The one’s on the edge of the pit, the ones without hope. Justin, I miss you. I don’t know why really, I wasn’t really a big fan of yours and I wasn’t ever active in the site like some people, but you made me smile. You gave me what no one ever gave me before. You remembered me. You remembered things I told you years apart. You said you wanted to read my book. I put you in it too, because I never had to deal with someone else leaving so suddenly before. I never had someone else say “I love my friends, and my family, and my fans, but I don’t love myself.” I still remember my little sister waking me up to tell me the news, even she was affected and she only met you that one time. I want to say I miss you. I miss you so bad, Justin, and not for any weird stalker reasons, or because I fell for you or nothing. I miss you because you helped me more then you could have ever thought. You helped me change my two-dimensional view on men to change to something more accepting. You helped me away from the pit and gave me someone to look forward to when I had no more holidays to count. I can still see you, standing there smiling because you gave so much joy to other people. I will never forget you Justin Carmical. Not ever.